


There, then gone

by smilingdestiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 13.2 coda, Alcoholism, Angry Dean, Dead Castiel, Grief, Mixtape, Sad Dean, Sad Sam, Season/Series 13 Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, not for long though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-20 13:40:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12434034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smilingdestiel/pseuds/smilingdestiel
Summary: Dean mourning the loss of his mother and the loss of Cas (his best friend or his love?). Set after season 13 premiere and includes spoilers of 13.1 and 13.2. (Will probably make you cry)





	There, then gone

**Author's Note:**

> *Warnings for slight suicidal thoughts and self-harm.*  
> I also don't know why, but this fic actually took me awhile even though it's pretty short so I hope you guys enjoy it. This story is also set telling more details in Dean's point of view but that is only because I was trying to go for a destiel angle that didn't really happen but oh well.

It had happened so fast. As if a strike of lightning had struck the ground. There, but then suddenly not.  
The portal had opened. Out came Castiel. Cas. He was safe. Out of and away from Lucifer’s hands. Oh, how happy Dean was in that split second. Dean breathed in relief, as Sam smiled about Cas’ return from the portal.  
Then, there it was. The angel blade, straight through Castiel’s torso. His eyes lit up, his mouth lit up, his chest lit up. His chest rose from the impact of the blade as it crushed through his chest.  
Dean stared, mouth agape. That was all he could do. He wanted to run, run towards Cas, turn that blade around, and plunge it deep into Lucifer’s chest. But he couldn’t. Nor could Sam. Neither of them could do anything for seconds as they watched their best friend be killed by their longtime enemy. Why was Lucifer not already gone? Why was he in close proximity of the Winchester’s but not killed? Surely there was some way to kill him and surely they could have done it by now. But they couldn’t change the past.  
Sam and Dean both stared in horror, as Dean screamed a loud,“No!”. It was all he could do. Castiel’s knees gave out beneath him as he fell on the ground, dead body just laying there. Lucifer held the angel blade covered in blood carelessly. As if he hadn’t had just killed their best friend, as if Cas didn’t matter. Dean stared at Cas’ body in pain, as Sam’s breath came out rushed and he looked at Lucifer in anger.  
Lucifer spoke. “That was fun.” Anger grew in the pit of Dean’s stomach. Cas was dead. Every word spoken by Lucifer after that was a blur. It didn’t matter to Dean. All that mattered was that Cas’ body was lying on the ground, with Lucifer to blame. Mary came up behind the boys as she spoke. Dean still couldn’t register it, but did look up from Cas’ body and Lucifer’s careless face. They spoke words back and forth, seeming to argue. Dean couldn’t tell. Sam tried to stop her as she said “I love you,” and then punched Lucifer. Over and over she punched him, until they fell backwards into the portal all too fast. Dean couldn’t process it. He thought he yelled for her, but he wasn’t too sure. He couldn’t process any of it. Everything had happened too fast, so fast.  
Sam breathed heavily, looking everywhere, as if Mary would just pop back. Dean repeated the same word over and over again,“No.”, as if it would somehow bring her back. Sam ran. He ran back to the house, not letting himself think too much about Mary getting sucked into the portal or Cas lying on the ground, dead. He ran to the house, towards Kelly, hoping to distract himself. Dean was silent. His knees gave out underneath him, as he fell to the ground besides Castiel. God, no, this could not be happening. Dean stared at Castiel’s face for so long, it was all he could see for all too long.  
\---  
Dean didn’t know how long it had been since Cas’ death. All he knew was that they had found Jack, and he was not to be trusted. Or at least, in Dean’s opinion. Sam believed in Jack. He believed that because Jack knew Kelly, he could be good and pure. That wasn’t what Dean thought. Dean didn’t trust Jack at all. Why should he? Jack made the portal. If the portal had never been existed, then Mary wouldn’t be stuck in another dimension with the Devil. If the portal had never been existed, then Cas would still be alive. It was Jack’s fault. They had made the mistake of letting Lucifer live and not killing him in the first place, and because of that, some of the people that Sam and Dean loved the most, were gone. Dean did not want to make the same mistake again. If they killed Jack, they would prevent losing another loved one in the end.  
Dean assumed it had been a couple days since then. He didn’t really know. He drank a lot. Beer was always on him as he tried to avoid the feelings and the reality of what had happened. It was hard to not have emotions. Jack had acted just like Castiel when he had known nothing of Earth. It was quite fascinating to Dean, but also irritating. He wanted his best friend back, so much. If Cas had just stayed away from helping Kelly, this wouldn’t have been happening. But then again, there were so many ‘what if’s’.  
Dean had just walked in on Jack jabbing a knife through his own chest. It had baffled him, but also irritated him. He took the knife from him, and talked to him. He had left the room with a bloody knife, and he felt longing. Longing to hurt himself similar to how Jack had. Dean had so much pain, so so so much pain, and sometimes hunts would give him physical pain to be distracted by. But he didn’t have that this time. Two people Dean had loved dearly were dead and Dean hurt. His body hurt, his heart hurt, his soul hurt. He just wanted it to stop. But it wouldn’t.  
But then Dean thought of Mary, of Sam. Mary could still be alive. Although he strongly doubted it, she could still be alive. Maybe Lucifer did not kill her. And Sam. The main reason Dean has stayed alive all these years was his little brother. The reason he had always fought was because of Sam.  
Dean brought the knife to the bathroom, rinsing it off carefully with no emotion. Dean felt nothing as he dropped the knife in the sink and took a gulp of the amber liquid in his other hand. It slid his down smoothly and he made the mistake of accidentally looking into the mirror. Oh, how he hated his own reflection more than anything. Dean expected to feel pain, to feel disappointment, sadness, remorse, grief, and everything possible. But he felt nothing. What a horrible, strange feeling that was.  
He held his glass firmly in his hand as he turned on his heel, pacing to his bedroom. He went to his dresser, taking another swig of the liquid before placing it on top of the dresser, as a group of pictures caught his eyes. A picture with Mary when he was younger. Pictures with Sam and Bobby. Pictures with Charlie. A picture with Mary just days ago. Multiple pictures with Cas. Although he felt no emotion, tears slid down his face smoothly as he stared at the pictures with glassy eyes. He could not stop staring at the pictures, but one with Cas in particular. Dean turned around quickly, swiping the wet trails on his face off with his sleeve. He grabbed the glass full of liquor, chugging it down as it burnt down his throat. Dean threw open his bedroom door, walking to Cas’ room. He hesitated at the door, slowly bringing his hand to the handle. Oh, what the hell. He grabbed the handle, turning quickly, and pushed the door open. The room was bare. Just a regular room besides for a couple things on the dresser, which Dean quickly ran to. The mixtape sat there neatly on top of a few pictures. Dean reached out slowly, touching the mixtape as though it had a part of Cas in it. He believed it did.  
Dean quickly left Cas’ room, going to his room to get a cassette player, returning just as fast as he had left. He placed the player on top of the dresser and gently grabbed the mixtape, pushing it into the player. It quietly began to play in the background as Dean took off his shoes and jacket and lay down on Cas’ bed hesitantly.  
After awhile, he moved into a more comfortable position and breathed in deeply. The sheets smelled faintly of Cas as Dean smiled to himself. He closed his eyes in contentedness as he felt the presence of Cas, and dozed off to sleep.  
Dean got the best night’s sleep of his life.


End file.
